Reflections in the mirror

This past week I was away on vacation. While we were away at this event,
we had a family portrait taken of us, and I do have to say that it came
out very well. While looking at the photo something clicked in my mind
and in a way it bothered me. You see, it finally dawned to me that I
have never liked the face that was looking back at me when I looked at
myself. Through my entire life the face that has been staring back at me
in photos has never really seemed right, and until yesterday I didn't
know why. You see, we each have our own self-image. This is the way we
see ourselves when there is no photo to reference and no mirror to look
in. My self-image is very different than that which I see in the mirror
every day. The face that has been staring back at me for the last 34
years has never seemed quite right to me. Last night as I was hopping
into bed it hit me. My inner self-image is that of Heather.

Let me be clear here, I am not talking about seeing myself as a woman,
as that is not the case. I still have no desire to go that route. But
the face that stares back at me in the mirror when I get done putting on
my makeup and wig is the face that seems right. As Joe, I don't like the
way I look one bit. As Heather I love the way that I look. I love the
long brunette hair, the soft complexion, the way the makeup makes my
eyes seem sexy, seductive even. As Heather I am confident, proud of who
I am, strong-willed, and it just feels better. As Joe I have needed to
be in control of things to overrule my shyness and sometimes lack of
confidence.

I have never liked short hair, and due to genetics mine will never grow
long. At the same time, if I wore my hair the way I think looks good on
me, people would have a problem with it, so I become Heather to make my
self-image be the one I see in the mirror (actually I think that is
backwards, I want what I see in the mirror to be my inner self-image). I
despise short hair on me, yet that is all I will ever have. I tried a
beard, a mustache, a goatee... None of these ever felt right on me. I
did it because I thought it was what "men" did. It is not me though. I
am not one of those "hairy" men (EWWWW!). I like the feeling after a
good shave. I like the smoothness of my skin. I love the way pantyhose
or stockings feel on freshly shaved legs. I love the way my stretch
jeans feel while wearing a pair of thong panties. I love what makeup
does for my face. I have always hated to shave, and if I could would be
done with it for good. I love the clean-cut look without 5 0'clock
shadow. The only way I will ever achieve that look is with makeup as I
have 5 o'clock shadow even after a close shave.

I hate Men's clothes. Women's fit me so much better and seem so much
more natural to me. I love the feeling of a skirt and would wear them
more often than not if I could. High heels just feel natural. I see a
cute dress and I just want to put it on. I would rather wear a camisole
than a T-shirt any day, they are just more comfortable. Not to mention I
like the way my body looks, why shouldn't I show it off? I find men's
suits uncomfortable and have always hated them, yet I would gladly wear
a skirt suit to work every day.

When I see the way that I look in Heather's clothes I love the person
that is looking back at me. When I used to wear all male clothes I never
liked the way anything looked on me. The clothes never fit me right. I
like flattering clothes. I love colors. I love high heels and the way
they look on me. I like women's sandals, men's are just ugly.

Have no doubt, I am definitely not a transsexual. I have no desire to be
one either. I am more than a man in a dress, more than a mere
cross-dresser even. What am I then? This is the question that may never
be fully answered. Even among the trans-gendered I am a bit of an
oddity. I have transcended to a plane much higher than most will ever
achieve. In some ways I am neither man nor woman. In other ways I am
both at the same time.

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?