it is so hard to define. In the 4 1/2 years since I first tried out
makeup, I have learned alot about the word and its possible meanings. As
I sat in the waiting room of my allergy doctor this morning as Heather,
I realized that maybe people are looking for the wrong things when they
talk about looking for acceptance from those around them.
Let me tell you a little about what I think acceptance is, and relate it
to other terms such as tolerance or passing. I'd like to give some
examples of experiences that I have had over the last 4 1/2 years or so
and how they have defined these terms for me.
About a month ago, I went into my allergy doctors' office as Heather for
the first time ever. Now, they had no idea (OK, maybe some there
suspected or at least thought I was weird) that I was a cross dresser.
This isn't anything that I ever brought up with anyone there. The
reactions of the staff were all good. The ones I spoke with loved my
look and commented on me being "dolled up". Last week I went in to see
the doctor and he didn't even flinch at seeing me as Heather. Did his
staff tip him off? Who knows... But he treated me no differently than if
I had been there in Joe mode. He didn't even comment on how I was
dressed. It was a non-issue to him. Today I went in for my monthly shot
and again the staff didn't react any differently. The office manager
gave me a big smile and waved when she saw me, but that was it. Is this
acceptance? I would have to say that yes, it is. They have known me for
several years as Joe. Now they know Heather as well. There is no
difference between how I was treated before or after (with the exception
of comments about how good my outfit looks or whatever). To me this
means that they have accepted me as who I am, regardless of how I might
be presenting.
2 1/2 years ago I came out to my parents. They didn't disown me, and
they have seen me as Heather a few times. At the same time, my father
clearly has issues with me being a cross dresser. He does not want to be
around me when I am Heather. It actually embarrasses him to think that I
cross dress and I know that he blames himself for me being the way that
I am. We're (Rain & I) still working on that one... Now, this I would
definitely label as tolerance. They (well, dad at least - not sure about
mom) do not want to be around me as Heather, yet at the same time they
are not treating me any differently now that they know about me. We
still get along just fine, but I know that if its a Heather day to tell
them if they want to get together so they aren't embarrassed by it.
A while back, I had a conversation with a woman (GG) at the nail salon
for over 1/2 hour and when I finally told her I was a guy, she was in
shock. She had no idea, even sitting 2 feet from me having an active
conversation. Once I told her, the natural curiosity and questions came
out. Now, this I would definitely call passing that turned into acceptance.
Then there's my best friend of 20 years. He was my first real-life,
non-online friend to know I cross dressed, even before I met my wife.
He's known about me for a number of years now (like 15 years). Some
other friends also learned of my cross dressing over time and I got some
good-natured, friendly teasing on occasion from them because of it. It
was all meant in good fun so I never took offense to it and even played
into it sometimes. None of these people had actually seen me cross
dressed (in person or pictures) though. I would consider this acceptance
or maybe more than just tolerance... I think it's something in between
the 2 really.
A few years ago my friend met Heather for the first time. He was OK with
it on a conscious level, but it brought out some inner demons and he
actually fought rejecting me for a year or so. On one hand, we had been
best friends for like 17 years. On the other hand, seeing me cross
dressed was causing him serious personal issues. Our friendship almost
came to an end because of this. There's no doubt that this was
definitely rejection.
After battling his own demons, my friend came to the realization that it
shouldn't matter one way or the other how I chose to dress. I was still
the same person that had been with him through a messy divorce, bailed
him out of jail, rescued him when his car broke down, moved him
countless times, etc. Since that day, we have been even closer friends
than we were before all of this started. He has been to the house when
I was Heather, gone to the Ladies Night Out event, a BBQ or 2 with the
"girls", and even been to the store with Heather a couple of times. This
is most definitely acceptance at it's deepest level.
Nearly 13 years ago I met my wife. On the second or third conversation
we had I told her I was a cross dresser. Her response was "And...?"
Since then she has bought me clothes, makeup, shoes, gone places with
Heather, etc. She is my biggest supporter and no doubt accepts me as who
I am, even though I know that I annoy the crap out of her some days.
I've had countless times when I was out and about where I got "read" by
someone. Most of the time I see the poking of the person next to them
and saying "That's a guy dressed as a girl." At the same time, it is
handled discreetly so as to not make a scene. Even the teenagers keep it
pretty quiet while they are within ear shot. Some of them look at me as
a freak, others with admiration or astonishment. At the same time they
do not make a scene or harass me. We each go our separate ways and live
our separate lives. I would have to say that this is tolerance at the
very least.
At restaurants, I am treated as any other female customer would be
treated. Most of the time I would say I passed. Other times they know
I'm a guy, but they don't act any differently at all. This is acceptance
or at the very least tolerance.
Over all, I have gotten tolerance, acceptance, or outright passed. I
have only had a few isolated incidences of rejection in the many
hundreds of times I have been out in public as Heather.
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