Well, I must say.. for an anonymous person, this person sure says quite a bit.... Since they can't sign their posts to identify themselves, I will respond here. Why don't you step up and identify yourself if you dare, or do you have that much to hide? See below...
Anonymous wrote:
Common grounds? Some, and on others they are both right but from opposite ends. All I can do is stand by y wife and try to smooth out the wrinkles as best I can.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Casualties of war":My reply would have to be a definite "Bite me" (to quote my wife)! Your responses are from your experience, not mine What holds as truth for you may not hold as such for another. I have news for you, your "I'm the only expert" attitude does offend me, so you can post and offend someone...
Dear Heather:
I will read what I will read, and as long as I can I will post what, where and what I feel like, for unlike you, I can do this without offending anyone. If you were offended by the beaten truth of my last post, then you Ma-am-wana-be, need a lesson in real life humility.
Never have. I'll be the first to walk away from a fight if I can. If not, I will be sure to defend myself if forced to. I've been a CD for well over 15 years myself, so you don't have much on me there "anonymous"...
The issues you present in the last few posts are so self-centered I’m surprised you haven’t had the crap beat out of you yet, or are you hiding that from the blog. I have been a CD for over 20 years, and, yes, I’ve gotten into a few ‘scuffs’ over it. Lessons learned are the most valuable lessons someone can ever have.
I know when to dress as Heather and when not to. I save Heather for where it's appropriate. The issue isn't me being en femme, it is people not accepting that I choose to dress differently. It is really no different than if I chose to go Goth, the issue would be the same.
“Compromising your beliefs for a few ‘Friends’?” Give the world a break, and stop making everything so YOU! What beliefs can you possibly be compromising? Offending everyone? Doing what you want without respect for those around you? Or maybe it’s the belief that you can wear what you want, when you want, without fear of reticule or retaliation? Good luck on that one! You will have better luck becoming president of the USA then that. Oh, I know what belief: You can do what you want, when you want, without fear.
Would I? Probably not, unless I knew the crowd first... I know there's a place and a time for it, and I keep Heather for those places and times. You're preaching to the choir, "anonymous". If I walked into the biker bar I'd probably be wearing my leather & carrying my helmet actually.. You see, I am a biker (as opposed to a yuppy).
The fact of the matter is, no matter how your self centered little self-wants to see it, you must abide by the greater majority. You know this, I know this, I believe it, and you refuse to believe it. Would you walk into a Biker bar en-famine? I think not, and I wouldn’t either. There’s a place and time for everything and quite possibly, the friends you are talking about is neither the time nor place.
Well you are wrong there again. Society does decide what is customary to wear. How does it do this? Its quite simple really, there's power in numbers No single TG will change it, but hundreds of thousands will... And men and heels was in fashion as little as 30 years ago. Cowboy boots still have as much as a 2" heel, so men do wear heels even today. I wear heels appropriate for a guy when in male mode, not spiked or pointy toe... Women couldn't wear pants in public 200 or so years ago but they can now. Why? Because a large number of them stood up and said "No More!". Society can and will change. It is up to us to mold it in our image.
Next little point for you to ponder, young CD: Society decides what you can ware, when you can ware it, and how it’s worn. Society is the doctrine we must all fit into, unless you live in a bubble world. Yes, you are right about the established origins of the heels, but if take a look around the world, you will see that style went out ages ago, and a group of CD’s like us will never bring it back.
I have read this theory many years ago, this is nothing new to me. It is human nature to fear what we do not understand. What we have here is a definite fear of the unknown. The only way to overcome this un-natural fear is through education, not hiding. I will educate those around me so that they no longer fear me. If they are not willing to listen, then it is their loss, not mine.
Are you sure they are narrow-minded, or rather not face any outside ridicule, or perhaps something that would originate from within their social circles? Again, it’s not just the “you” here in this debate/ argument you are having, it’s their friends, family and social circles you affect as well. If you haven’t ever read it, try researching ‘6 degrees of separation’, in which it very accurately describes how many people we really affect with our decisions and actions.
You have made my point for me actually. When their freedom of expression (wanting me to dress differently than I do) interferes with my freedom to dress as I choose, THEY are infringing on MY freedoms as well. If you don't like the way I look, don't look. I don't tell them how to dress, so what gives them the right to tell me how to? Freedom of expression does not end when it interferes with someone else's freedom. The other party has the right to express their own opinion in rebuttal, but nothing forces them to agree. That is what makes this country so great! I have every right to say what I want, dress how I want, and do what I want so long as it is within the laws (which my dressing is). That is what freedom of expression is all about. Anyone who would restrict my ability to do so is in violation of my first amendment rights. What you are really describing is mob rule, not freedom of speech.
Next thing: In case you have never known it, your freedoms end when they infringe on another’s freedoms. Our nation has gone to war over this time and time again. You know the nation, the one that gives us all these rights and privileges to exercise these rights. Your freedom of expression ends when it interferes with someone else’s freedom. Remember that! The very nation that gave you that freedom can also remove it (not that it would, just that it could).
What can I say, I'm a non-conformist... remember this - blacks rode the back of the bus until one sat up front and refused to move. Some of us are content to sit in the back of the bus... I am not!
I honestly believe your being forced to conform to Society’s defined terms, and that’s what you dislike: what society and defined as proper male clothing.
All I can say is if they were my real friends they would bring the issues to me so that we can discuss them and work it out. To date they have not They choose to hide, run away, whatever you like to use to describe it. The rest of them have brought it to my attention. A good example is some friends who's wedding we are helping with. They asked that I be dressed appropriately and I told them I had no intention of doing otherwise. There is a time and a place for everything. I own a suit for just this sort of occasion.
Maybe, Just maybe, your guns should be holstered and saddled for a while there cowboy. I can emphasize with you, even sympathize with the problems you face, but the bottom line is, your pushing, pushing hard, and these friends you are talking about don’t want to be pushed, so they are pushing hard.
One last thing for today: “What is really sad is when you are placed in a position where you have to choose between a best friend and your wife, both of which are right on many points.” Are they opposite points? Do they have common grounds? I would personally would tell the best friend that this is what he’s done. If he’s a real friend, I bet he’ll back off.
Common grounds? Some, and on others they are both right but from opposite ends. All I can do is stand by y wife and try to smooth out the wrinkles as best I can.
Anonymous... Try standing behind your words and identify yourself. You certainly have nothing to fear from me. I can take criticism from the best of them. Just don't expect me to agree with you or change because of it.
An Old CD
Posted by Anonymous to Heather's Blog at Mon Feb 26, 12:04:00 PM EST
2 comments:
Heather:
Well, a nicely worded response. One deserving some aspects of what you ask. First off, we’ll talk about the anonymous posting at the end of this.
I’m not the only expert. Not by far, and as you pointed out, I’m only sharing what’s worked and not worked for me. I also point out, in my opinion, how selfish you are about expressing your self, and not “caring” about your friends. “Caring” is not 100% accurate in this case, but it fits the need; you’d rather loose friends (not care about their feelings), then to not express yourself.
If you knew when and when not to dress as Heather, then most of this might not have been as “rough” on your friends.
Your one up on me with the biker crowed. Maybe it was a bad example for you, but you got the point I was making, which is tied into #2 above.
Finding thousands of CD’s / TG’s that have the same guts as you do, and maybe something might change, but the fact is it’s the nature of the issue. You point out the very exceptions to make my point for me. Society decides. Yes, Society can and does change, such as public opinion does, but, it’s tens of thousands, not hundreds or thousands, and the points that are being changed aren’t imbedded in 90% of the religious as being wrong. This is where it will fail.
Again, it might not be them, but those around them. You skirted that with your little thing about them fearing you. Besides, maybe it’s not fear rather something more tangible in their lives. I think it’s rather pompous of you to assume you can educate someone about his or her fears, rightfully or otherwise established.
I’ll thread carefully here, on the subject of freedoms, so your misconception of your first amendment rights be correctly redirected. To do this, I’ll tell you how I (and the other thousands of professionals in my line of work,) have federal dictate to deal with the subject, which comes up quite frequently:
“The freedom of expression is freely granted to a person within avenues of their own privacy. When they leave the avenues of their private circumstances and enter the avenues of another’s privacy, self expression, while unlimited in its forms, of ones self must be contained within the boundaries of the other avenue of privacy they attend.”
I’m sure you can understand that, but I really don’t believe you will come away with 100% crystal clarity on the matter, so I’ll re-express it, within the terms I have to:
Within the boundaries of your area’s that are considered private to you, you are 100% free to express yourself within the boundaries of the law. When you leave those private areas, and travel into someone else’s private area, the person whose private area you are in considerably reduces your freedoms to the extent that is acceptable to that other persons freedoms as they grant you. In short, when you go someplace else, you freedom of expression is limited to what is acceptable there. Yes, you do have rights and freedoms, some of which are what you claim, BUT, and understand this clearly, those rights and freedoms are reduced when not in the privacy of your own domicile.
Just for the record, most of the above text is quoted from within congressional dictates, originating from Superior Court files of filed “rights infringement” suits while the rest is quoted from State dictates. This is the law governing the rights and freedoms of expression which is something I truly believe in, something you’re not quite right on understanding it’s limitations.
I’m a non-conformist as well. It’s just I’d rather not bring attention to my self. Something I’m sure you can understand.
Real friends? Maybe “mature friends” might be a better choice of words.
I do hope the best friend and wife get over it. I think it would make it better for you in both the long and short runs.
Something of interest, while I typed out this reply, has come to mind. Maybe it’s not the “self centered-ness” that I saw/see in the posts, but perhaps the choice of words to describe the people and their roles in what they’ve done that makes this series of posts stand out so.
“Standing behind my words and identify myself.” That’s a very interesting concept, but just a concept never the less. Let me explain. See, my words are strong enough to convey my point of view. Nothing else needs to be seen or looked at to see what’s been typed. But, in all fairness to your requests, and not this concept of standing behind my words, I will do as you request, and sign the comments. Not that it matters, there’s not enough of anything that can point back to me.
TL
Now that is a much better worded response than the previous one...
I do care what my friends think and respect their right to feel the way that they do. But when they choose not to tell me what or how they think, I can't very well resolve the situation that presents itself. Life is all about compromise, but in order to compromise, there has to be discussion. Without discussion what you have is someone dictating to another, not compromise. It is all about give and take. To date, every objection or concern that has been brought to my attention has been successfully resolved through education of the other party as to what I do and why I do it. I respect their feelings and dress appropriately when around them, or I stay away if I don't want to dress differently to suit them on a particular occasion. You see, I do know when to dress as Heather and when not to. None of the people in question have ever met Heather. I don't want to lose any friends, but if they choose not to speak to me about the issues then the only resolution can be not to be around each other to avoid offending them.
You assume acceptance by society will fail. If this is how you feel then for you it will never succeed. I assume it will succeed, so for me there is at least a chance that it will. I work hard every day to promote a positive image of the Trans-Gendered to the public. I spend alot of time educating those that are willing to listen, even the ultra-religious ones. You are right in thinking that many religious people say that what we do is "wrong". However, most religions actually do not say that what we do is wrong if you read the bible, or other religious texts. People's interpretations of these texts are what say we are "wrong". I have successfully educated a number of individuals on the religious aspects of this and they now do not think we are "wrong". They may not want to meet Heather, but they no longer thing I am going to hell or wherever.
Another point of interest here is that to date I have not had one negative reaction by anyone who I have spoken to and educated. As a whole, Society is willing to accept us on some level. Society does not hate us really, it is the minority that speaks the loudest and these are the ones that we have problems with. Most people simply misunderstand us. Once these misunderstanding are cleared up, the individuals are willing to at the very least tolerate us.
I know exactly what you are saying about private spaces. Everyone has the right to ask me not to wear something when at their house. However, when I am at another person's house who does not have a problem with my mode of dress, the other individual has no right to dictate how I dress. This is where the problem has come from. I have not been to the house of the friend who has the issue at all recently.
"real friends", "mature friends", whatever term you choose to use to describe them does not matter really. What does matter is if they value my friendship then they need to be willing to discuss the issues with me and compromise. I do not deal with third parties, as there is always room for the intermediary to mis-interpret intentions and make the problem worse. Everyone that knows me knows this. I always go directly to the source whenever I hear that there is a problem.
Thank you for giving a name to the posts.. "Anonymous" gives people way too much power to say things and run & hide. A simple signing of a name is all I ask when corresponding with anyone.
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