First impressions

I find it interesting how wrong first impressions can be some times. I'm actually writing this blog entry at my sister-in-laws house (Yes, the ultra-conservative christian). Now I know that my wife has told her about Heather, but we have not had the chance to take it any further since then. This morning I got up before most of the house and my sister-in-law was also up. Just for the heck of it I decided to bring the subject up with her. The one thing that I know is lack of communication when it comes to something like this is the absolute worst thing that can happen. I told her that it is human nature to fear what we don't understand and that the best way to overcome that fear is through understanding. I asked her to please ask me any questions that might come to mind and she said that she would when she has some. It turns out that she really has no issues with me being a crossdresser. She is mostly concerned how her daughter will handle it, and especially how her ex-husband might interpret it if her daughter tells him about it. I can certainly see her concerns on this issue and will respect them. I asked her to direct any questions that do come up to me so that I can give her daughter the proper answers, which she agreed to do. It is far too easy for someone to make up answers or excuses to cover things up when the answers are not fully understood. I was quite surprised to see how open to the subject my sister-in-law really was. At the same time it only proves what I have been saying for the past 2 years. As a whole, people really do not have an issue with cross-dressing and TGs. It just takes a little openness and willingness to understand and learn from both sides to make it work.

To date, I have not run into anyone who outright had a problem with what it is that I do. There is only the one friend of the family that has issues, and I still firmly believe that deep down inside he really doesn't hate what I do. He simply does not understand, and his jokes, etc. are his way of expressing his lack of understanding.

Standing up for what I believe in!

While listening to the radio this morning, I heard some commentary on a TS substitute teacher at a local school district. I do have to give the show credit, they did try to schedule an interview with her. Listening to some of the listener commentary, I felt the need to respond in my own fashion by writing to the show. I attached the email that I sent below. I am curious to see what kind of response I get.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Heather <heather@heathercd.org>
Date: Dec 27, 2006 6:27 AM
Subject: Trans-Sexual Teacher
To: freebeerandhotwings@hotmail.com

Dear Free Beer and Hot Wings,

 

I wanted to start out by saying that I do enjoy listening to your show in the morning. I understand that it is your nature to be obnoxious, which is what makes your show so enjoyable. Listening to your show this morning struck a bit of a nerve however. I was listening to you discuss the Trans-Sexual teacher in Pinelands. I can honestly say that I was not the least bit surprised to hear the comments that some of the male listeners made on your show. After all, it is human nature to fear what we do not understand, and most males feel threatened by a guy in a dress to be sure (though I can't understand why this would be the case). We are nothing to fear. One comment that was made about the male build and not being built like a woman made me want to write to you. I think the comment was looking like a linebacker in a skirt. I have to disagree with this comment. Sure, most American males are a minimum of 20 pounds overweight (many are 50+ pounds overweight), and many do have broader shoulders than women. This is not always the case however.

 

Being a (happily married) Male to Female cross-dresser myself I can definitely say that I am quite well informed on the subject. Now, there is a big difference between a Trans-Sexual and a Cross-Dresser. a Trans-Sexual is someone who feels they were born the wrong sex and in most cases takes steps to become that person. A Cross-Dresser is someone who simply dresses as the opposite sex, without the desire to become that sex.

 

There is one thing that I would like to point out - We are all conceived female. At some point (I believe it is the second trimester) is when male characteristics form. In some of the population this happens much later which results in a male effectively having a female-slanted brain, or the change starts & reverses itself which results in a female having a male-slanted brain. This is what makes a true Trans-Sexual. In as much as 8% of the population the change starts but never completes, which results in an Intersexed person (The proper term for a Hermaphrodite). 

 

Myself, I am definitely not a Trans-Sexual but I thoroughly enjoy dressing up as a woman. I do it because it is a challenge, and I really do love the way women's clothes feel. I do have to tell you, we do not all look like a man in a dress. I am not (and I never have) taken hormones. Feel free to look at my pictures and you will see that I make a rather convincing woman when I dress up. In fact, I go out in public regularly as Heather and very rarely am read as a guy. I am built very much like a woman, and many women are jealous of how I look when dressed up. I do not have broad shoulders a beer belly and a square jaw. I am not overweight and "manly" in appearance at all. In fact, there are quite a few of us out there that are built this way. I have met many Trans-Gendered people in the last few years that are entirely passable as a woman. They do not make the press, so what you see & hear about are the ones that people feel threatened by.

 

One thing that I do want to point out is that somewhere in the neighborhood of 20% of males are confirmed Trans-Gender, meaning that they dress as a woman, but are not necessarily Trans-Sexual - keep in mind, these are the ones that will admit to it. As many as 50% of men that go to the emergency room are wearing panties.  Also, somewhere around 80% of women Cross-Dress. Most own a pair of boxers, men's shirt, jeans or such and many have very male haircuts which does make them a Cross-Dresser. It is interesting to see how society is willing to accept this as normal and yet when a male does the same thing, he is looked at as a freak.

 

With the recent legislation that finally protects us from discrimination I have a feeling that you will see more of us coming out of the closet. You will find that there are far more Trans-Gendered people out there than there are homosexual. Having said that, one more thing to set straight - over 80% of Trans-Gendered males are straight! Instead of fearing (and making fun of) what you do not understand, take the time to educate yourselves on the subject. I have some interesting write-ups on my website, which I encourage you to read.

 

If you are interested in learning more, feel free to contact me. Do the right thing and let both sides of the issue be heard. I would be willing to educate your listeners on the subject if you are open to the possibility.

--
Hugs...

Heather
Manahawkin, NJ

TG and proud of it!

Check out my web site if you have some time..... www.heathercd.org

I love Christmas!

Today I got 5 camisoles, 2 pairs of heels, 2 pairs of floral print trouser socks, a floral print ankle length skirt, 3 pair of earrings, 6 spandex tops, and a couple of movies. Tell me my wife doesn't like heather! :) The real scary thing is the socks and one pair of heels I also got the exact same thing for my wife. We have to stop shopping at the same store... LOL On the plus side, we both share the same taste in clothes.

I haven't exactly been blogging a whole loot lately. Things have been pretty nuts at work pately. I need to see if I can pick a topic or 2 and write up a good entry on them.

I got hit on

I just had to share... I went out shopping today en femme. I wore white stockings, jean skirt, white cami, form fitting blue jacket and white heels. While I was at Walmart looking at shoes, a guy came up from behind me and said "Would you like to buy you a pair of shoes sweetie?" I almost died when I realized that I had just been hit on. This is the first time anyone has ever actually hit on me in person, and at Walmart of all places! Sure I get guys hitting on me online every day, but this is definitely different. I guess the wedding ring & engagement ring didn't phase him. I politely refused and he went on his way. I was so shocked right after it happened that I didn't know how to react.

TransGender discrimination law signed into law!

Gov. Corzine signed the bill into law! It takes efect in 180 days.

http://www.nj.com/news/ledger/jersey/index.ssf?/base/news-5/1166596194142700.xml&coll=1

Freecycle

I wanted to pass this along to everyone out there reading this. If you are looking to get clothes (and other stuff) for free, check out freecycle. This is a system that uses yahoo groups for people to offer stuff up to anyone who wants it for free. I get lots of clothes off of the local freecycle list in my size - I've filled a closet with women's clothes this way. It's a great concept really. If you have something to get rid of you post an offer. If you see something that you can use, reply and the person will give you their address & leave it out for you to pick up. Check out the web page: www.freecycle.org if you are interested.

I love my spandex

Last night Louise came over for a bit. I decided to try some of my spandex for a change and get some pics. It is amazing how well a couple of layers of spandex will hide things. When I got dressed and ooked in the mirror I looked totally female even in a tight bodysuit. I'll have to keep that in mind for the future when I have clothes that tend to show the slightest bulge. Of course a corsolette works better, but it is something to keep in mind if you don't have one handy.

More than just a pretty face

I find it rather interesting every time I go in and look at the web statistics on my site. Many people do not realize it, but there are many tools available that track things like what site you come from, which pages are viewed most often, etc. I do keep tabs on how my website is doing on a somewhat regular basis. I do find it very encouraging to see that my blog is usually ranked in the top 5 pages on this site to be viewed. Of course, my photo albums are 8 out of the top 10 most of the time, which I expect. What many people seem to do is go straight for the photo albums on my web site and totally ignore all the great content that I spend many hours writing. Sure, I don't mind being eye candy for most - that in itself does make me feel good. But many of the visitors on my site never get to see that I am also a very intelligent, highly educated girl. I put quite a bit of thought into the content that I publish, sometimes spending several hours to write a blog post even. In between all of this I find the time to have very deep conversations with many TGs, much of the time because they are seeking advice (Which prompted me to start my Dear Heather column which I hope to get going soon). So please, take the time to explore the rest of my website, you just might learn something. Drop me a note if you like what you see or have suggestions, or ask a question for the Dear Heather column to benefit everyone. After all, I am more than just a pretty face.

New web host

The website is being moved to a new webhost. Please be sure that your bookmarks point to www.heathercd.org as the old link will be going down soon. The new site will be live very shortly.

We can legally use the ladies'room!

If i am reading this correctly, once this bill is signed in to law (which Gov. Corzine has stated that he will), we can now legally use the ladies' room! :)

provided,

7 however, that nothing contained herein shall be construed to bar any

8 place of public accommodation which is in its nature reasonably

9 restricted exclusively to individuals of one sex, and which shall

10 include but not be limited to any summer camp, day camp, or resort

11 camp, bathhouse, dressing room, swimming pool, gymnasium,

12 comfort station, dispensary, clinic or hospital, or school or

13 educational institution which is restricted exclusively to individuals of one sex,
gender identity or expression,

14 provided individuals shall be admitted based on their

16 denying to any individual of the opposite sex any of the

15 from refusing, withholding from or

17 accommodations, advantages, facilities or privileges thereof on the

18 basis of sex;

ANOTHER MOVE FORWARD FOR US ALL - A930/S362

It passed!!! Now we just need the governor to sign off on it (which he has stated that he will).

(Washington, DC) — Today New Jersey made a historic stride forward in
protecting the civil rights of transgender people. New Jersey's
Senate passed bill S362 on Monday, December 11, by a vote of 31-5.
The Assembly version, A930, passed New Jersey's lower house today by
a vote of 69-5, and now goes to Governor Jon S. Corzine, who is
expected to sign the bill into law. Once signed, New Jersey will
become the ninth state in the country to make discriminatory
practices based on gender identity or expression illegal. New Jersey
joins California, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Minnesota, New Mexico and
Rhode Island in legislating statewide transgender-inclusive
nondiscrimination protections. These state-level laws in addition to
similar transgender-inclusive protections in the District of Columbia
and in over 80 cities and counties now protect one-third of the US
population based on gender identity or expression.

"The legislation in New Jersey represents a huge civil rights victory
for transgender communities," said Mara Keisling, executive director
of the National Center for Transgender Equality (NCTE). "I applaud
the amazing efforts of the Gender Rights Advocacy Association of New
Jersey (GRAANJ), Garden State Equality and local advocates who showed
that when we stand up for what's right, we can win. While we
celebrate that one-third of the US population is now covered, NCTE is
continues to fight for explicitly transgender-inclusive protections
on the federal level."

New Jersey's new law prohibits discriminatory practices in
employment, housing and public accommodations based on "gender
identity or expression"—the legislative language that covers
transgender people. Too often transgender people face harassment and
discrimination on the job or when applying for employment; when
attempting to secure housing through rental properties or real
estate; and in accessing everyday public accommodations, such as
hospitals, schools, shops, hotels, restaurants and theaters.

"We are tremendously pleased to see this bill go to Governor Corzine
for his consideration," said Barbra Casbar, political director of the
Gender Rights Advocacy Association of New Jersey (GRAANJ) and
National Center for Transgender Equality Board of Advisors
member. "GRAANJ and our allies have worked very hard to educate the
public and policymakers on the critical importance of making
protections for transgender New Jersians explicit in our state's law.
The vastly positive vote for the legislation proves conclusively that
effective education will tear down the walls of ignorance and
discrimination"
"The overwhelming support of our Legislature shows that New Jersey's
elected officials recognize the need for civil rights protections for
all of their constituents," said Donna Cartwright, a founding member
of the Gender Rights Advocacy Association of New Jersey (GRAANJ) and
member of the Board of Directors of the National Center for
Transgender Equality. "Prohibiting discrimination based on a person's
gender identity or expression is common-sense given the level of
prejudice that transgender people face at work, in securing housing
and accessing vital public accommodations such as hospitals."

In June 2006, the National Center for Transgender Equality held its
first national Target States Conference to provide legislative
advocacy training to support local efforts in New Jersey and in eight
other states where anti-discrimination laws included "sexual
orientation" but not yet "gender identity or expression." GRAANJ's
Barbra Casbar and Terry McCorkell were among the activists who
attended NCTE's Target States Conference.

"We are ecstatic," said GRAANJ Co-Founder Terry McCorkell. "The
people of New Jersey have historically been stalwart champions of
justice and equality. Today we demonstrate to the nation that New
Jersey is second to none in guaranteeing fair treatment under the law
for all people in the Garden State."

Recognizing the need to curb rampant discrimination against
transgender people, currently eight states, the District of Columbia
and 80+ cities and counties across the country have now passed
explicitly transgender-inclusive anti-discrimination laws. Upon
Governor Corzine's signature, New Jersey will become the ninth state
with inclusive anti-discrimination laws. These laws currently cover
33.5-percent, or one-third, of the US population.

.

__,_._,___

More excerpts in A930

1p. Nothing in the provisions of this section shall affect the
ability of an employer to require employees to adhere to reasonable
workplace appearance, grooming and dress standards not precluded by other
provisions of State or federal law, except that an employer shall allow an
employee to appear, groom and dress consistent with the employee's gender
identity or expression.

A930 revisions

http://www.njleg.state.nj.us/2006/Bills/A1000/930_R1.HTM

2 days en femme

Well, since my daughter got sick yesterday I'm taking advantage of the time at home and dressing up. What stinks is I could easily wear what I have on to work anyday....

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Shoes

I bought a new pair of black pumps yesterday at Payless. I was surprised, normally I need to get a 10 1/2 or 11, or when I can find them a size 10 wide. At Payless it seems that their sizes run a little larger than most shoe manufacturers. Considering how inconsistent sizing can be with women's clothing, shoes tend to be much better. I have been looking for some good closed toe pumps for a while but in my size it seems that open toe is the most common. Not that i'm complaining... I love open toe shoes - it gives me an excuse to paint my toenails. :-D
In the cooler weather I'm more inclined to wear tights so closed toe shoes are better. At the same time I am really getting addicted to knee high boots. I own 3 pair now and am definitely going to be buying more pairs of them. I just wish I could find another pair of the black ones. I am wearing them out and don't think they'll last too much longer.
I don't think I have worn a pair of flat shoes in 6 months and I am loving it. I'm more comfy in a 2"-3" heel than I am in flats anyday. Why is it that high heels have to be a girl only thing anyway? They were invented for men after all... It seems that the 20th century brought about some very odd restrictions on clothing styles for men & women.

Shoes...

I bought a new pair of black pumps yesterday at Payless. I was surprised, normally I need to get a 10 1/2 or 11, or when I can find them a size 10 wide. At Payless it seems that their sizes run a little larger than most shoe manufacturers. Considering how inconsistent sizing can be with women's clothing, shoes tend to be much better. I have been looking for some good closed toe pumps for a while but in my size it seems that open toe is the most common. Not that i'm complaining... I love open toe shoes - it gives me an excuse to paint my toenails. :-D

In the cooler weather I'm more inclined to wear tights so closed toe shoes are better. At the same time I am really getting addicted to knee high boots. I own 3 pair now and am definitely going to be buying more pairs of them. I just wish I could find another pair of the black ones. I am wearing them out and don't think they'll last too much longer.

I don't think I have worn a pair of flat shoes in 6 months and I am loving it. I'm more comfy in a 2"-3" heel than I am in flats anyday. Why is it that high heels have to be a girl only thing anyway? They were invented for men after all... It seems that the 20th century brought about some very odd restrictions on clothing styles for men & women.

Website was down

Last night the website went down due to a server crash. I rebooted the server this morning and all is well again.

A TG's biggest dilemma...

...has to be whether or not to use the ladies' room when out in public. I
have my answer as of today, but it may not be the same for everyone.

Let me tell you about my day today. I took the day off to go Xmas shopping
(en-femme of course). I dressed fairly casually for my trip to the mall. I
wore my blue stretch jeans with the pink laces down the side, my pink "Vegas
girl" long sleeve tee shirt and my brown knee boots. I also decided to wear
the brown human hair wig for a change. I don't wear this one too much, no
idea why. I think I looked pretty classy, but casual at the same time. The
tee shirt is short enough to show my navel piercing when I actually stand up
straight. :)

I went to the mall and after taking a wrong turn (I hate it when directions
on a web site neglect to say "take business rt33 and not rt33" - GRR!) I
spent about 2 1/2 hours shopping. I did manage to get most of the things on
my list while I was there.

I find it amazing the things that people will say when they think you are
out of earshot. One conversation I heard behind me:

Woman: That is a trans-sexual up there.
Man: No way!
Woman: Yes, that is a trans-sexual, I'm telling you.
Man: Are you sure? (I could hear the disbelief in his voice)
Woman: I'm not joking...
Man: Whoa!

And another comment as I walked by a food stand: Helooooo good lookin'!

I think I was only read the one time, at least that was the only reaction I
observed. All in all it was a very good trip. I even ate lunch in the food
court, which was very crowded. I didn't observe any reactions to me other
than the occasional glance and move to get out of my way as I walked by.

Now on to the topic of this post. After lunch I had to go pee. I could have
held it till I got home, but I refused to let the stigma get to me. I went
to the restroom and walked right into the ladies' room. I found a vacant
stall and did my business (yes, I sat down to pee, don't make that mistake
girls!). Then I stopped at the mirror by the sink to check my makeup and
left the restroom. I didn't get a single look from anyone while I was in
there. I do have to say that I think this is probably the hardest decision
that a MTF TG has to make. Now, before you just go traipsing into the
ladies' room, there are some questions that you need to ask yourself:

How passable are you? This is by far the hardest question to answer. I don't
think you need to be 100% passable to do this. If you are unsure, ask some
friends if they think you pass, preferably a GG if you can.

How confident are you? Believe it or not, this is the most import question.
I don't care how good you look, if you carry yourself like an ogre, you will
be outted very easily. Confidence in your looks and abilities are the
biggest part to passing, IMHO.

How safe/tolerant is the establishment? If this is the redneck bar in the
middle of nowhere, the first thing I would ask you is "What the heck are you
doing there in the first place?".

Look around your surroundings. Where is the Ladies room?
Is it in full view of the bar or down a hallway where you might enter it
without everyone noticing? Down a hallway may be safer simply because you
can probably enter the ladies room without anyone seeing you do it. On the
down side since it is down a hallway, if you have a problem with someone
help is that much further away from you.

Are there a bunch of drunk/obnoxious jerks within eyesight of the ladies'
room? If this is the case you might want to find somewhere else. Then again,
women have the same concern really.

Is it in a well-lighted area? If it is not, your chances of having a problem
are definitely higher. Try to stick to well-lit areas and public spaces.

The worst thing that you can do is stand there trying to make up your mind
or be nervous. These will give people a reason to look at you and possibly
figure you out. If nothing else people will be suspicious of you. Relax,
take a deep breath and commit yourself to what you need to do.

If you can, bring a couple of girlfriends with you. After all, women do this
so they can talk about the guys when they are in there, so nobody will think
something is suspicious. At the same time there is safety in numbers. If
there is a problem, you have your friends there to help you out.

Most importantly, think before you act. The best thing that you can do to
avoid a bad situation is not put yourself in a position where you can have a
problem in the first place.

Something else to keep in mind is to know the laws regarding TGs and
restroom use in the area where you are. Some cities/states have laws in
place that say you can use the restroom that corresponds with your presented
sex, others do not. Here in NJ there is a bill currently being discussed to
give us these protections, but at this stage there is nothing to keep me
from getting arrested when I went to the restroom today.

There is an expression that is commonly used by motorcyclists. That
expression is "acceptable risk". In everything that we do, there is always
some risk that something could go wrong. "Acceptable risk" can be defined by
asking yourself a simple question, "How much harm (physical or otherwise) am
I willing to accept in lieu of protecting myself". For a motorcyclist, you
will find in states with no helmet law that some motorcyclists are very
happy wearing nothing but shorts & sneakers while riding. Then you have the
riders like me. Even on a 100 degree day you will find me wearing my boots,
pants, leather chaps, leather jacket, full fingered gloves, and full face
helmet. You see, when it comes to riding, I am not willing to accept as much
risk as some are. I take all the precautions that I can when riding because
if I have an accident, I want to do everything that I can to ensure myself
the best chance of walking away from it. Even the act of riding a motorcycle
says that I am willing to accept some level of risk. The chances of
surviving a motorcycle accident are far lower than in a car.

Before I walked into the ladies' room today, I reminded myself that there
was always a chance that someone might figure me out and have a serious
issue with me being in there. I could have been arrested for some trumped up
charge like "disturbing the peace" (this has happened in some cases). To me
I was willing to accept that risk, knowing that I am very passable and
confident in who I am. I did everything that I could do to minimize my risk.
This included not hesitating or doing anything that might make someone
suspicious about me. I also did not linger any longer than I had to while I
was in there. One other thing that I made sure of was to do what a woman
would do when going to the ladies room. I made sure to sit while I peed. You
would be surprised how many TGs screw that one up. I also checked my makeup
briefly, being prepared to redo my lipstick, etc. if needed. And the most
important thing is I did everything to ensure that I did not stand out. By
doing all of this, I reduced the amount of risk that I was exposing myself
to. Keep in mind that I did this at a large mall, which is a public space.
At any point in time there were 20-30 or more people withing a short
distance of me. If anything were to go wrong the more people that are
around, the greater the chance that someone will come to your aid.

Whatever you do, keep your safety in mind.

Its been busy

Its been pretty hectic for me lately. I ended up cancelling the photo shoot Friday because my daughter broke her glasses. I'm loving my new boots though. I think i'll be wearing them tomorrow when I hit the mall to do some xmas shopping en femme. I am definitely looking forward to it. I'll probably do jeans, a spandex top and the brown boots. I should blend in nicely. The best part about tomorrow is I will have the whole day (at least until it is time to pick my daughter up) to spend as Heather. I do plan on taking most of my day and spending it out, just another girl shopping.

I decided to try the boots with a skirt and the only skirt that really goes with them isn't one that I feel like wearing tomorrow, so jeans it is. Today we went to the mall for a few and I payed very close attention to what the other girls wore. I should be better dressed than most, but will blend in nicely. Maybe i'll eat lunch out as well just because I can.

My "Dear Heather" blog has been created. Hopefully I will have some questions I can post to it soon. The blog can be found on the main web site menu bar.

Thoughts on makeup

Tomorrow I am hoping to get the pictures that I want to complete the makeup page. It is my intention to show a step by step on how I do it. In talking to other TGs I find that many don't really know much about applying makeup. While I may not be an expert at it, I am sure that I can pass some knowledge and tips along to others.

So far I have gotten good reviews on the makeup examples and how-to that is currently on the site. There are lots of makeup how-to sites but so far I haven't run into any that actually show you how to apply it. In many cases the sites are for women, and as such they miss some of the steps that men need to follow. They also assume that you have some knowledge of how to apply makeup. In the case of dealing with TGs, most have no clue on what to buy, let alone how to apply it.

I hope to educate TGs on how to apply makeup and look like a GG. Many that I have seen apply way too much makeup or go for colors that really don't look good on them. I realize that not all TGs have the same philosophy as I do when I dress up. For me, my primary goal is to not be noticed. I want to look like any other woman. Ideally, it should look like you aren't wearing any at all.

I'll build the page up with lots of pictures and between each set, try to explain what it is that I am doing and why. Maybe I'll even pick up on something that I didn't know in the process. Keep an eye out for the changes in the next week or so.

Why do boys have to be "boys" anyway?

I find it very interesting to see the variety of types of guys that cross-dress. I know there are women out there that do to, but they don't have the same pressures that guys do. For women, they can wear whatever they like and it is fine. For guys it is not quite so. For guys, we have pressure to be "mr. macho". Girls can play with cars or toy guns or even football and people don't give it much thought. For a boy to play with barbies, dress-up, or to want to take ballet, now all of a sudden there is something wrong. The father doesn't want his son to grow up being a "sissy". His son needs to be a boy, darn it! Boys are pressured to lift weights, play football, cut their hair short whether or not this is what they really want. This is just plain wrong! It is time for us as parents to make a change. We need to let our children know that it is alright to play with whatever toys that they want to, wear whatever clothes that feel comfortable.

For many boys, they suppress the sensitive side, even some memories of childhood because of these pressures. I know some guys that are so lost that they are only beginning to understand what was happening to them as children, and many of these have full grown kids of their own. Why do boys have to fear their fathers? Why do they hve to hide who they really are for fear of being punished? It is the primary job of parents to protect and educate their children. In order to educate your children, first you must educate yourself. If you don't understand what your children are like or what they are into, do research. There are all kinds of websites out there with information on all sorts of subjects. When I don't understand something I will research it until I do. It usually doesn't take very long to find out what I am looking to learn.

There is abig stink recently about trans-gendered children. While I agree with letting them dress how they like, I can't agree with letting a 5 year old boy live as a girl. He is simply too young to really know what his true identity is. Get him and yourself counseling from a counselor that really understands gender issues. Most don't have a clue, especially the religious counselors. It seems that the older women seem to know the most about the subject and are more openminded than most.

Dear Heather advice column

After much thought I have decided to try and start a "Dear Heather" advice column. My goal is to try and answer TG related questions in a "Dear Abby" kind of way. I have found over the last few years that the same types of questions get repeated by many of us over & over again in a search of knowledge and understanding. It is my hope that I can eventually get not only questions from TGs, but also their spouses, friends, and family. Why not send "Dear Heather" some of your questions to get this started? You can find a link to the blog on my web site.

Dear Heather?

I'm thinking of making a TG-oriented "Dear Heather" advice blog. I don't know of any out there, and I get enough quesitons asked to me as it is, I'm wondering if it is something htat I can make happen.

More on the Xmas party

Well it seems that when I went to my wife's Xmas party Friday night I was wearing a top that one of the doctor's wives happens to own. Of course she recognized the top, and a few others noticed my boots. My wife was asked if I was wearing makeup, because one of the women couldn't believe I wasn't (I wasn't wearing any). Let's hear it for religion! Of course everyone that had an issue with the way I was dressed was ultra-religious. Several of them were afraid of me. I never can understand why people fear the unknown. If I saw someone wearing something that just didn't look right I might ask about it. I make it a point to learn about things that I don't understand, but many people int his world don't seem to take that approach. They would rather burn it at the stake than try to understand what is going on. My wife is pretty much avoiding the conversation at work because she doesn't know people well enough to know who might have a cow and who will accept things. I can see her point, as she has only been there a little over a month now and is still a temp. If it was me I'd be there as Heather and set them all straight, but it's not my job, it's hers.

It is good to have friends.

I have to say, I am getting some rather interesting feedback as a result of my blog entry from yesterday. I definitely managed to put into words what many of my friends seem to be going through themselves. Every response has been so positive and supportive, and I thank everyone for that. This seems to be opening a whole new chapter in my life. Now that I can put into words what I have been going through, I hope I will have a little better time of putting my thoughts into words that those around me can understand. I am definitely a very complex and deep individual, the depths of which I am only just beginning to understand. I really have some wonderfully supportive friends, both TG and not.

The Terrible Twos

I guess you could say I had a bit of an epiphany last night. You see, my best friend (Who I have blogged about in the past), has known Heather for quite some time now. For the past few months he has been a bit distant at times, mostly due to his own monsters under the bed. Last night we had a bit of a heart to heart. I knew that there was something that was bothering him, and he has tried to tell me what it was, but couldn't put it into words. He has kind of skirted around the issue, hinting at the problem without really facing it directly. I think in a way he was afraid of what my real answer to him would be.

You see, he has known "Joe" (in case you did not know, that is my real name) for over 17 years now. We have been the best of friends for most of that time. Together we have been through many trying times where we have both always been there for each other at any time, no questions asked. We have been through an extremely messy divorce, several averted suicide attempts, severe depression, having to move out of a condemned apartment complex with less than 24 hours notice, numerous "My car broke down, help!" phone calls, somewhere around 8 moves, and the list goes on & on. At each of these turns in our lives the other has dropped whatever they were doing and done whatever was needed to help the other out, never a question as to why or a complaint about being asked to help out. It has always been "When do you need me to be there, and what do I need to bring".

My friend has been fighting with some inner demons lately because of the coming out of Heather. I knew that something was bothering him and knew what the trigger was for it. I even know what in his own childhood is the basis for most of the fear that he has been feeling about Heather. What I didn't know is why he was feeling the way he was or what the true nature of it was.

 

There have been several times when I have told him "Just say it, get it out so I know what is bothering you." Well, last night he finally broke through the barrier and put into words what he was really feeling. You see, my friend has been very afraid that he was losing "Joe" to "Heather". He was afraid that he has been losing his best friend, and it really scared him.

 

Up until 2 years ago I was just another closeted cross-dresser. Some of my friends knew I did this, but most were in the dark. My best friend knew that I liked do cross-dress and thought it was a little strange, but he accepted it because of our relationship. Up until this stage, few had seen me dress up and I had never actually tried to become passable. It was about this time 2 years ago that several years of deep soul-searching culminated for me. Even my wife, who has known that I was a cross-dresser since the day we met did not know just how deeply my inner turmoil ran. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to figure out who I really was. I have learned quite a bit about myself over the years, most of it in the last 2. I had wondered for many years if I could truly be passable as a woman, or if I would always be that "guy in a dress". I struggled for several years over whether it was something that I should even attempt. I think in a way I was kind of afraid of what was in my Pandora's Box that I was opening. I knew that once I opened this box, there was going to be no putting whatever was inside it back.

 

It was about 2 years ago that I told my wife that I wanted to try to see if I could be passable. This meant that I would have to shave my beard, which she wasn't all that happy about. You see, over the years I have grown a moustache, goatee, beard, etc. in an attempt to find the real me. I hate to say it, but none of that was ever who I really was and I was never comfortable with facial hair of any kind. I always went back to shaving it off again and then I would be happy. I have also been going through the male baldness cycle, which really made me unhappy with the way I looked. You see, I have had long hair since my high school days. I was never happy to have it cut short. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I decided that I wanted to see what I looked like as a woman, and told my wife that I did not intend to continue doing it if I really didn't make a good woman. It was around New Years' Eve that I got rid of my beard for the last time, never to return.

 

I tried makeup for the first time sometime in January. My wife helped me buy what I needed and loaned me some of what she had as well. The first time I looked at myself in the mirror fully made up, I was astonished. I no longer saw "Joe" looking back at me, I saw a woman looking back at me. In fact, I looked a lot like my sister. It was around this same time that I felt the need to find a name for this side of me. I have always loved the name Heather. It goes way back to a crush I had on a girl I knew in grade school. So, last January (2004) Heather was born. I had a couple of of reasons for doing this:

 

1. Joe is a funny name for a girl

2. It is a way to differentiate and separate the 2 sides of me

 

Over the last 2 years I have been riding a roller coaster of self-discovery. My wife has been a real trooper through all of this, and has stuck by me even though I know at times I have really pissed her off and upset her. Last night I had reassure my best friend that I was not becoming someone else, I was letting out a side of myself that has been repressed most of my life. As a child, I was the kid that was shy, introverted, and always bullied and picked on. When I was about 13 I went through my first period of self-discovery. This was when I finally made up my mind that I was no longer going to try to conform to what others thought I should be. I was going to be me, and if the rest of the world did not like it, then I'd be more than happy to tell them where they could stick their opinions. I started to fight back and soon was not bullied any longer. That is one demon I defeated. By the time I was in my early twenties, I was no longer the shy, introverted little twerp. Another demon defeated. I became a leader rather than a follower. Another demon defeated. I decided that I would not become a married cross-dresser who was in fear of what his wife would think of him. When I met my wife, I told her about me from day 1. She accepted me for who I am. Another demon defeated.

 

Now back to the real subject of my blog post today. After the conversation with my friend last night, I came to a realization. Why do they call it the "Terrible Twos" anyway? When a child approaches the age of 2, they are becoming somewhat independent. They are now big enough to explore the world around them on their own. They start to test the boundaries and see how far they can go, and what the limits placed on them are. They start to learn the rules of life and society. A two year old starts to push harder and harder as their confidence in their abilities grow. They push harder and harder until something pushes back. When something pushes back, they try to find a way to get around what is pushing back at them, to see just how wide the border really is. They constantly bend the rules to see how far they can really go before something breaks. They are learning their own strengths and weaknesses. They are establishing their place in the pecking order of family life and society. And most importantly, a two year old is starting to discover just who they really are.

 

I think it is interesting that as Heather is approaching the 2 year old mark, I am going through many of the same cycles that a 2 year old child does. I am testing my boundaries. I am pushing against the rules of the "normal" and "accepted". I am exploring the world around me to see what society, and more importantly, what the people that I know and love will accept from me. I am expanding my boundaries in ways that I never thought was possible. I am learning things about myself that I never knew were there.

 

As a result of my self-discovery, I am paving a road for those that come after me to follow. I am working toward a society where a person can be accepted as who they truly are. I am discovering the hidden facets of who I have always been.

 

To my friends and family, and most importantly to my wife and best friend I have this to say. I am still and will always be the person that you have always loved. I will always be "Joe". "Heather" was always a part of the person that you have loved all of these years. All of the tenderness, caring, loving that you have seen in the past is really Heather. I have only recently found a way to express this side of my personality out in the open for all to see. Please, bear with me as I find out just how deep this side of me runs. Joe will never go away, he will always be right there. Joe is also who I am. I am a father to our daughter and always will be. I am the first person that will come running to pick you up when you have fallen. I will be the first to offer you a shoulder to cry on. And most importantly I will always love you and accept you for who you are, whatever it is that may be.

Some interesting news/site links.

This link is to the New York Time and an article supporting boys & girls gender identity when the line isn't clear. Compelling, well written and an easy read.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/02/us/02child.html?hp&ex=1165122000&en=4ba555

 

This link is a multilingual (several languages) site with English options on each page. It deals with the long overdue reclassification/ identification of Transsexualism... and more to the point the latest proposed standards for care in this regard. Written in plane English without a lot of medical jargon.

http://sindromebenjamin.tripod.com/id34.html

 

This next link is a page about the new classification of HBS ( Harry Benjamin Syndrome) and if you don't know who Dr B was... you should! The page deals with the new definition and cause (Aetiology) of what is being currently diagnosed as Transsexualism. I think it is a must read!

http://sindromebenjamin.tripod.com/hbs/

 

This last link is to a Philadelphia City News (City Beat) article about whether a 6 yr can make up their mind about themselves. A fair deal of this  is interviews with parents at a recent Transgendered Health Conference in Philadelphia... very enlightening.

http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2006-03-09/cb.shtml

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New boots

I bought a new pair of boots today. I bought a pair of brown suede scrunchy boots at Wal-Mart for $20. I love these boots, they are so comfy. They only have a 2" heel, but I can wear them in guy mode too.

Purses for guys?

I decided to try an experiment today. I took my purse with me when I went shopping in male mode. If you know me, you know I carry a tiny little purse that is convertible to a hip pouch (which is how I carry it normally in male mode). I went to several stores, the bank, and not a single person reacted in a way that I could see. Either nobody really noticed (which is probably the case in some of the people) or people really don't care all that much about it. I don't see why guys can't carry a purse if they want to. I love to, this way I can leave the belt at home (most of the time I only wear a belt to carry my pouch), don't have to carry anything in my pockets, or anything. A purse makes getting dressed in the morning so much easier. I don't have to stuff 500 things in my pockets. It's already in my purse.

I had fun last night

After we got home from my wife's Xmas party last night I got changed and we went out for a drink. I wore bootcut jeans, tan stockings, brown 4" heeled sandals and a purple V-neck top. When we got to the bar (Applebee's), we didn't really get any undue attention. The bartender said "What can I get for you ladies?". I certainly enjoyed myself while we were there. We were just 2 ladies out or a drink at a bar. It was great! I think my wife is starting to get a little more comfortable with me bring out as Heather, which is a good thing.