The Terrible Twos

I guess you could say I had a bit of an epiphany last night. You see, my best friend (Who I have blogged about in the past), has known Heather for quite some time now. For the past few months he has been a bit distant at times, mostly due to his own monsters under the bed. Last night we had a bit of a heart to heart. I knew that there was something that was bothering him, and he has tried to tell me what it was, but couldn't put it into words. He has kind of skirted around the issue, hinting at the problem without really facing it directly. I think in a way he was afraid of what my real answer to him would be.

You see, he has known "Joe" (in case you did not know, that is my real name) for over 17 years now. We have been the best of friends for most of that time. Together we have been through many trying times where we have both always been there for each other at any time, no questions asked. We have been through an extremely messy divorce, several averted suicide attempts, severe depression, having to move out of a condemned apartment complex with less than 24 hours notice, numerous "My car broke down, help!" phone calls, somewhere around 8 moves, and the list goes on & on. At each of these turns in our lives the other has dropped whatever they were doing and done whatever was needed to help the other out, never a question as to why or a complaint about being asked to help out. It has always been "When do you need me to be there, and what do I need to bring".

My friend has been fighting with some inner demons lately because of the coming out of Heather. I knew that something was bothering him and knew what the trigger was for it. I even know what in his own childhood is the basis for most of the fear that he has been feeling about Heather. What I didn't know is why he was feeling the way he was or what the true nature of it was.

 

There have been several times when I have told him "Just say it, get it out so I know what is bothering you." Well, last night he finally broke through the barrier and put into words what he was really feeling. You see, my friend has been very afraid that he was losing "Joe" to "Heather". He was afraid that he has been losing his best friend, and it really scared him.

 

Up until 2 years ago I was just another closeted cross-dresser. Some of my friends knew I did this, but most were in the dark. My best friend knew that I liked do cross-dress and thought it was a little strange, but he accepted it because of our relationship. Up until this stage, few had seen me dress up and I had never actually tried to become passable. It was about this time 2 years ago that several years of deep soul-searching culminated for me. Even my wife, who has known that I was a cross-dresser since the day we met did not know just how deeply my inner turmoil ran. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to figure out who I really was. I have learned quite a bit about myself over the years, most of it in the last 2. I had wondered for many years if I could truly be passable as a woman, or if I would always be that "guy in a dress". I struggled for several years over whether it was something that I should even attempt. I think in a way I was kind of afraid of what was in my Pandora's Box that I was opening. I knew that once I opened this box, there was going to be no putting whatever was inside it back.

 

It was about 2 years ago that I told my wife that I wanted to try to see if I could be passable. This meant that I would have to shave my beard, which she wasn't all that happy about. You see, over the years I have grown a moustache, goatee, beard, etc. in an attempt to find the real me. I hate to say it, but none of that was ever who I really was and I was never comfortable with facial hair of any kind. I always went back to shaving it off again and then I would be happy. I have also been going through the male baldness cycle, which really made me unhappy with the way I looked. You see, I have had long hair since my high school days. I was never happy to have it cut short. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I decided that I wanted to see what I looked like as a woman, and told my wife that I did not intend to continue doing it if I really didn't make a good woman. It was around New Years' Eve that I got rid of my beard for the last time, never to return.

 

I tried makeup for the first time sometime in January. My wife helped me buy what I needed and loaned me some of what she had as well. The first time I looked at myself in the mirror fully made up, I was astonished. I no longer saw "Joe" looking back at me, I saw a woman looking back at me. In fact, I looked a lot like my sister. It was around this same time that I felt the need to find a name for this side of me. I have always loved the name Heather. It goes way back to a crush I had on a girl I knew in grade school. So, last January (2004) Heather was born. I had a couple of of reasons for doing this:

 

1. Joe is a funny name for a girl

2. It is a way to differentiate and separate the 2 sides of me

 

Over the last 2 years I have been riding a roller coaster of self-discovery. My wife has been a real trooper through all of this, and has stuck by me even though I know at times I have really pissed her off and upset her. Last night I had reassure my best friend that I was not becoming someone else, I was letting out a side of myself that has been repressed most of my life. As a child, I was the kid that was shy, introverted, and always bullied and picked on. When I was about 13 I went through my first period of self-discovery. This was when I finally made up my mind that I was no longer going to try to conform to what others thought I should be. I was going to be me, and if the rest of the world did not like it, then I'd be more than happy to tell them where they could stick their opinions. I started to fight back and soon was not bullied any longer. That is one demon I defeated. By the time I was in my early twenties, I was no longer the shy, introverted little twerp. Another demon defeated. I became a leader rather than a follower. Another demon defeated. I decided that I would not become a married cross-dresser who was in fear of what his wife would think of him. When I met my wife, I told her about me from day 1. She accepted me for who I am. Another demon defeated.

 

Now back to the real subject of my blog post today. After the conversation with my friend last night, I came to a realization. Why do they call it the "Terrible Twos" anyway? When a child approaches the age of 2, they are becoming somewhat independent. They are now big enough to explore the world around them on their own. They start to test the boundaries and see how far they can go, and what the limits placed on them are. They start to learn the rules of life and society. A two year old starts to push harder and harder as their confidence in their abilities grow. They push harder and harder until something pushes back. When something pushes back, they try to find a way to get around what is pushing back at them, to see just how wide the border really is. They constantly bend the rules to see how far they can really go before something breaks. They are learning their own strengths and weaknesses. They are establishing their place in the pecking order of family life and society. And most importantly, a two year old is starting to discover just who they really are.

 

I think it is interesting that as Heather is approaching the 2 year old mark, I am going through many of the same cycles that a 2 year old child does. I am testing my boundaries. I am pushing against the rules of the "normal" and "accepted". I am exploring the world around me to see what society, and more importantly, what the people that I know and love will accept from me. I am expanding my boundaries in ways that I never thought was possible. I am learning things about myself that I never knew were there.

 

As a result of my self-discovery, I am paving a road for those that come after me to follow. I am working toward a society where a person can be accepted as who they truly are. I am discovering the hidden facets of who I have always been.

 

To my friends and family, and most importantly to my wife and best friend I have this to say. I am still and will always be the person that you have always loved. I will always be "Joe". "Heather" was always a part of the person that you have loved all of these years. All of the tenderness, caring, loving that you have seen in the past is really Heather. I have only recently found a way to express this side of my personality out in the open for all to see. Please, bear with me as I find out just how deep this side of me runs. Joe will never go away, he will always be right there. Joe is also who I am. I am a father to our daughter and always will be. I am the first person that will come running to pick you up when you have fallen. I will be the first to offer you a shoulder to cry on. And most importantly I will always love you and accept you for who you are, whatever it is that may be.